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I didn't expect this. I didn't think The Royal Tenenbaums would do this. Reduce me to a blubbing wreck.
But that's not what's doing it. It's Canada. It's Patrick.
Part of my approach to teaching is that you can't be yourself when in front of a class. It's like wearing a disguise, or a costume, like putting a glove on. The way to deal with how difficult it can be in front of thirty kids that don't give a shit is to surround myself with a carapace, to take on another persona. To the extent that the persona of Mr Hayward is substantially different to that that I exhibit to those around me in other situations.
I'm used to switching off. It's something I've had to learn to do over the last few years.
It's not novel; lots of people in similar lines of work have to do it. But it still surprises me that I can do it so readily.
But it's funny. The Summer Holidays (capitalised for the way they punctuate a teacher's life) give me a clear few weeks in which to abandon that persona; I'm only James in the summer, Mr Hayward gets filed away in a little box, to re-emerge in September.
But I can still switch off. Things get too much, and suddenly I'm pragmatic to the Nth degree. I have to.
Maybe it's because of Mum, not that I'm blaming her. Pete will understand, the things we were presented with back then. The times the only thing you can do is switch off, turn the autopilot on.
So yeh, it's Patrick I'm blubbing over tonight. (There's a little irony here; I made a mix CD for him with a prediction in it - Mara Carlyle's Lost To Sea. Well, I just put the mp3s on random and the 2782:1 odds came up with that tune. Thanks iTunes.) All I can think of is that to admit the significance of Toronto is to leave my friends, my family, my home and my job. Well, I just can't do that, so on goes the autopilot.
And still, well, I just can't think of the "and still", I guess that's why the blubbing.
Oh, fucking thank you iTunes. Kiki and Herb's rendition of Love Will Tear Us Apart. Thanks a fucking lot.
Reminds me of way back when. I was in a pub with Kris, who I've long since lost contact with. He told me his theory of Discology. You get as many tunes as possible into the machine, ask a question and hit the "random" button. The results often scare me, I still do it now.
Back to Patrick. Actually, I don't want to discuss it all at length here. Knowing he might read it automatically starts me self-censoring. I'm just, y'know, wondering "what if?". I'm sure he thinks I'm cold and heartless for not having a big public breakdown with veils and black lilies, but I just can't let myself do that.
Right now I'm thinking this summer I met the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm so angry with myself for not letting myself follow my heart.
But (heh, count the times I've used the word "but" in this post) I just can't. I can't.
In other news, Moomins are nice. They live in the forests of Finland and taste of bananas (well, Moomin toothpaste does, anyway).
AND ANOTHER THING! Aren't the default "mood" options on Livejournal awful? I can never find a word from the list that works. I mean... "recumbant"? "ditzy"?. Blah.
August 27 2005, 02:24:11 UTC 6 years ago
I dunno. This wee text box here perhaps isn't the best place for me to articulate any thoughts on the matter, or to offer any advice, 'though I doubt I could anyway. But I'm sure I'll see you soon and we can have a proper chat or sumfin'.
Look after yerself, Jaaa.
August 27 2005, 09:44:17 UTC 6 years ago
I feel like I'm being the Tanis of this situation though, and knowing your side of things makes me feel all the more shitty.
I think I'm alright though. Took two bottles of wine to get that out of me last night.